When I Put the Miles Between Us
by EmerlizleCullen
Summary: Ever since I had fallen in love with Bella there were a few things that I had never wanted to do...The last, the one I thought least possible, was to leave her...and I was about to. New Moon from Edward's perspective.
1. Party

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the dialogue that took place in the book, or any of the characters. I do however own the discussions that don't appear in the books, Edward's thought processes, and the events that took place while Bella and Edward were separated. By the way, I know I may leave small things out, like the radio thing, but I'm mostly focusing on the more important events. I'm trying to make it not so repetitive that way. After all, we've all read New Moon. We don't need the recap.**

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I could hear her truck start. I loved hearing the sound of it.

Despite the fact that I had only left her a few hours ago, still deeply sleeping, I already missed her. I had nothing during the rest of the night that made my existence interesting. Early morning was always a bore, when I would go home before neighbors could spot me, change, and grab my car. I used to hate school, too. All those voices. But with Bella, I had something to look forward too.

Her truck approached, chugging noisily. I couldn't help but smile.

I rolled my eyes as Alice skipped to her truck. Alice and Bella had become really close. I wondered what Bella's death would do to her. I still wasn't planning on doing anything to change her mortality, and Bella's departure wouldn't only just hurt me, but it would hurt Alice, too. While it was what I planned, Bella getting older was not exactly my most favorite realization, either. It mean less time with her. I had already lived a century, yet I would probably only get around sixty years with her. Less than half of my existence.

But I was a good liar. I could play along and act as if I were happy and couldn't care less what every day did to her aging body. Slowly bringing an end to her life, and in turn, mine.

Finally, Alice and Bella reached me, I took her hand gently. Her precious heart stammered, and my smile grew.

"So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?" I confirmed. Maybe she had changed her mind.

"Yes. That is correct." she replied, trying to imitate me.

"Just checking. You _might _have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

"Of course you'll enjoy it," Alice added, going with the flow that I created. "Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella." Of course Alice didn't expect that. We all knew that if Bella had her way, she would be just like us. She was not getting that birthday present. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Getting older," Bella responded. My smile stiffened. Why? Why did I constantly have to be reminded of the day that she would leave me forever?

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said, trying to raise her spirits. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," Bella mumbled.

I sighed. Another reminder. Not that the thought had left my mind yet anyway.

"Technically. Just by one little year though. What time will you be at the house?" Alice asked, changing the subject. Bless her still heart.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there."

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice whined. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?

"I thought my birthday was about what _I _want."

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I told Alice.

"I have to work," Bella excused herself.

"You don't actually," Alice told her. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

Bella kept rolling off excuses, including school assignments. That one has been in the book for ages. She may have been very unique, but at times, there wasn' that much originality. Alice eventually resorted to threatening.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."

"So there," Bella said smugly.

"I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up," I added. Alice wouldn't need the time, but perhaps if we acted more human, Bella wouldn't feel there was anything special about us.

"Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see," Alice replied, skipping away after kissing Bella on the cheek.

"Edward, please - " she began, but I silenced her with my finger to her lips.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

When we got back to her truck after school, I opened the passenger door for her as usual. She didn't seem to like that idea.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" she whined.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished."

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight..." Why was she always so stubborn?

"All right," I said, shutting the passenger door and opening the driver's side for her. "Happy birthday."

"Shh," she joked.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I said when we reached Charlie's house, taking her face in my hands. I really didn't want her to get in a bad mood today of all days. Partially for selfish reasons. _I _didn't want to be put in a bad mood.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she wondered.

"Too bad." I simply stated. I knew one thing that would cheer her up.

I softly pressed my lips to hers. My mouth lingered on hers for a while, but we still hadn't perfected this simple display of affection. So when Bella threw her arms around my neck, I panicked, miraculously without Bella noticing, and detached our lips.

"Be good, please," I requested, kissing her once more.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?" she asked, hopping down from the truck.

"I really hope not," I replied. I _was _rather adorable.

"Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

I watched her pop the video in, fast forwarding through the credits, and after I bashed Romeo a little, the movie started. I said Romeo's lines with him, trying to help Bella concentrate on the movie, after all, she said that if she wasn't distracted, she'd cry. I thought that might be amusing. I thought it was ridiculous when fictional things made humans cry.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said when Romeo killed himself.

"She's very pretty," Bella answered. Leave it to Bella to think that she wasn't pretty. Bella was beautiful. "Bella" was even Italian for "beautiful."

"I don't envy him the _girl_ - just the ease of suicide. You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts..." I began. But Bella did not like that thought at all.

"What?" she exclaimed.

"It's something I had to think about once," I told her, launching into how I knew it wasn't easy because Carlisle had tried and failed multiple times when he found out what he had become.

"What are you talking about? What do you mean, this something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring when you were...nearly killed...of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human." I watched as Bella subconsciously rubbed the scar on her hand.

"Contingency plans?" she questioned.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to _do _it - I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help...so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

That had not been the best of ideas. Pissing off the Volturi was a good idea. Telling Bella about my plan had not been. I had to explain the Volturi to her. Instantly she pieced together that I wanted them to kill me the instant that she died.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" she exclaimed. More like ordered. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed _to hurt yourself!

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."

"_Put _me in danger! I thought we'd established that the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?"

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I asked.

"That's not the same thing. What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off _myself?"

"I guess I see your point...a little," I admitted. "But what would I do without you?"

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated you existence."

"You make that sound so easy," I said, rolling my eyes.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

"Moot point," I repeated. Then I heard the voice.

_Of course Edward's gonna be here. I'll eat my badge if he's not._

I pulled Bella off of me and sat up.

"Charlie?" she guessed. I smiled. She took my hand.

Charlie came in with pizza, and I cleared Bella's schedule through him.

"Try to be a good sport," I requested when we arrived at my house.

"Sure," she agreed.

The moment that Bella dreaded came. Presents. From Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, an empty stereo box (Emmett had already installed it so she couldn't take it back), from me and Alice...

"You promised," she reminded me.

"I didn't spend a dime," I confirmed.

"Give it to me," she sighed.

And then...

"Shoot!" she exclaimed. I realized that she had given herself a paper cut. Even without a talent like Alice's I knew exactly what was going to happen now.

"No!" I shouted, pushing her away from Jasper.

Unfortunately, I threw her across the table. She took everything on the table with her as she slid across, then landed on top of the shattered plates.

It took all of strength to keep Jasper away while refraining myself. But everyone else seemed ready to consume her, too. A real happy birthday to Bella.


	2. Right and Wrong

My plan was already in motion by the time we made it back to the truck.

If Carlisle hadn't been there, Bella definitely would have been exsanguinated. I couldn't do this to her anymore. Hadn't I just broken my promise to not put her in danger anymore?

"Say something," Bella requested after a while of silence.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked, completely emotionless. Better to detach myself now to ease myself into the inevitable.

"Tell me you forgive me." Sometimes, despite how much I loved her, she drove me crazy. Why did she have to think that everything was her fault?

"Forgive _you_. For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she wallowed.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut - that hardly deserves the death penalty," I reasoned.

"It's still my fault.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would have been what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own - without someone throwing you into them - even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room?" I hated using this kind of tone with her. It really wasn't her fault. I really shouldn't have been yelling at her. I was more yelling at myself, angry with myself. But Bella probably didn't know the difference. Especially because she believed that it _was_ her fault. "Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up - and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to make any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself!" I added for clarity.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" Bella asked.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snapped.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she declared. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

That sucked. That made my job a whole lot harder. When I left, which I was planning on doing, she would refuse to make herself happy with anyone else. That was the one hope that I was clinging on to. That she could find happiness without me.

"Don't be melodramatic, please," I begged, hoping that her statement had just been an exaggeration.

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she ordered back. I stared at the road, not knowing what to say. Finally we pulled up to her house.

"Will you stay tonight?" she requested. I could tell that she wanted this night to end on a better note. But I couldn't let her hope.

"I should go home," I told her.

"For my birthday?" she added.

"You can't have it both ways - either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other," I said.

"Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs," she said, without letting me deny the request. She began to grab her presents.

"You don't have to take those," I informed her.

"I want them," she stated.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live," she said before tucking them under her unharmed arm.

"Let me carry them, at least," I offered, taking them from her. "I'll be in your room."

"Thanks," she said, smiling.

"Happy birthday," I wished her, before kissing her softly. I smiled the smile that I knew she loved. I might as well make her birthday as special as it could be. I owed her that much and more for what I was going to do.

I waited upstairs and listened to the converstation happeneing below me. Bella covered well when Charlie asked what happened to her arm. She was becoming a slightly decent liar. But then again, she was dating a vampire. Occasionally, under those kind of circumstances, one has a pretty good reason to lie. We had been together for nearly six months. That's a lot of practice. But she still couldn't effectively fool me.

She opened the door, already in her nighttime attire.

"Hi," I said lamely, playing with one of her still wrapped presents.

"Hi," she repeated. "Can I open my presents now?

"Where did all this enthusiasm come from?" I asked.

"You made me curious."

I unwrapped the presents for her though. I couldn't risk her getting another papercut. Not without Carlisle there to stop me if I tried to attack her. First opened was Carlisle and Esme's present: two tickets for us to go to Jacksonville to visit her mother and step-father. Unfortunately, I didn't think we would be able to use them. Well, she could use them two different times, but I would crush the excitement that she expressed at taking me with her the instant that I left her.

Then I unwrapped the present that was addressed from Alice and myself. A CD of some of my compositions. I popped it into the CD player, and after a few seconds of listening, Bella began to tear up.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." I could think of one thing that she wanted more, but we had already breeched that topic one too many times that day. I decided to make humor at her excitement.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I joked.

"You're right," she confirmed.

After getting Bella some Tylenol, I tucked her in and let her snuggle into my arms. But instead of trying to sleep, she pressed me with another question.

"What are you thinking about?" Ironic, I thought. Generally that's what I would wonder about her.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually," I truthfully told her. It was right for me to leave. Wrong for me to endanger her further.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied, curious.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am - but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," Bella added. I laughed.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I sighed. But that was exactly what I planned on doing. Taking myself away from the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I pressed my lips to hers. I planned to be careful, but knowing that this was one of the last times that I would be able to do this, not knowing how many more I could sneak in before my departure, _I _was the one who got greedy. I held her face to mine and I knew that she was getting carried away, too.

Which is exactly why I pulled away. And when I did, we were both breathless, which was odd, considering I really didn't have to breathe.

"Sorry," I apologized. "That was out of line."

"_I _don't mind," Bella declared.

"Try to sleep Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control." _Severly_, I added mentally.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she questioned.

"It's a tie. Now why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep."

"Fine," she agreed stubbornly, curling into me.

Eventually she fell asleep. I knew exactly what I had to when I got home.


	3. Preparation

I stood in silence as I watched Alice pack angrily. Alice was not exactly my best friend at the current moment.

Because I was forcing her to give _her _best friend up. _Our _best friend. And my reason for existing.

I knew that Bella suspected something. I had ducked out of her room quicker than usual. Not before kissing her gently on the forehead, first, but still. She knew that something was wrong.

I never wanted to do this. Any of this. I never wanted to fall for her. I never wanted to need her as much as I did. I never wanted to endanger her. But I did. And even though _she _was the one who cut her finger, I couldn't blame her for what I was about to do. Even though Jasper was the one who tried to kill her, I couldn't blame him, either. I could only blame myself. I was the one who chased after her, a useless puppet to her, endangering her every second. Sure, I didn't slice her finger, I didn't throw myself at her in hopes of draining her. But I was the cause.

"She's not going to take this well, Edward," Alice warned me as she zipped her final bag. All of her packing had been done in all of three minutes.

"I know. Don't make this any harder for me, please. Right now, her pain is the only thing making me second guess myself. Don't encourage me to change my mind. I've already done enough to her," I managed to choke out, taking two of her bags and carrying them down to the Mercedes. Carlisle was even condemning me with his eyes. The whole family had been glad that I was no longer the odd man out, though Rosalie may have wanted me to be with someone else. None of them were looking forward to me becoming a bag of depression again

"I don't exactly want to leave, Edward. And you know that you don't, either. It doesn't have to be this way," she told me, nearly begging. Alice had been alone and scared until she had met Jasper. Other than him, she had never really had a "best friend." Rosalie didn't count because Rosalie was, for all intents and purposes, her sister. Granted that Alice (and probably Bella, too) had expected Bella and my relationship reach the point where Alice and Bella _would_ be sisters, Bella was something special to Alice. Alice adored her.

"It doesn't have to be the way that you see it either. I'm not going to make her compromise her life to be with me. And I'm not going to risk her soul just to keep her forever. I can't be that selfish. I can't do that. I can't damage her soul. It's bad enough that she knows about us. The further apart we are, the less likely the Volturi are to find out about her. She'll get over me…I hope. She doesn't realize exactly how much I'm _not _worth it. She will, though, eventually."

"Listen, Edward. I can only see so far, because the rest is her choice, and she doesn't know that you're going to do this. But what I can see isn't that good. Let's just say that it's a good thing you're fast," she snarled before slamming the door to the Mercedes behind her. My heart dropped. Bella was planning to come after me, demanding an explanation. She would trip, fall, hurt herself. On top of the pain that I was going to give her. Why? Why did she insist on doing this to herself. Then I remembered. Everything was my fault.

Carlisle and Esme hopped into the Mercedes after her and drove off. Rosalie and Emmett followed later in the BMW.

For the first time in many years, I was completely alone. But it didn't feel that way. The last time that Bella had been here was her party. Her scent hung in the air very heavily. It felt like she was there, convincing me not to do this. But I shook it off. I had to do this for her.

I waited by my car, attempting to keep my face composed. She pulled in with her noisy truck. I walked up to her car and opened her door.

"How do you feel?"

"Perfect," she said. But I didn't believe her. She can't convincingly lie to me.

The rest of the day went by in silence until lunch when Bella noticed something.

"Where's Alice?" she wondered.

"She's with Jasper," I answered, crushing a granola bar. The rest of the day didn't go much better.

"You'll come over later tonight?" she requested as we walked to her truck.

"Later?" I asked, trying to keep her suspicions down.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off," she reminded me.

"Oh."

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" she clarified.

"If you want me to."

"I always want you," she stated. Damn it. She definitely knew that nothing was going to go right. She was desperate.

"All right, then," I agreed, kissing her forehead.

I beat her to her house that night and decided I might as well look like I'm trying to make a good impression on Charlie. Bella might be more convinced that I was staying that way. It would be better if she started freaking out _after _I left, that way I didn't have comforting her as an excuse to stay.

I heard her frantic heartbeat before she even left her truck. I'm amazed that even _I _can hear anything over that rumbling machine.

"Dad? Edward?"

"In here," Charlie called.

I knew that my focus on the TV was uncharacteristic, and I knew that she knew that, too. But my sitting in with Charlie had done nothing to satisfy her nerves. I couldn't give her my full attention and not run to her to pacify her fears with my arms wrapping around her.

"Hi," she said, her voice fainter than usual.

"Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay," she replied, before waiting for me in the doorway.

"I'll be right behind you," I promised, hoping she would take it as me trying to act human for Charlie.

After a few minutes, when I hadn't followed her. She returned with the camera that she had gotten for her birthday and just started snapping away. That "fun" was short-lived. Charlie saved me by telling her not to take any more that night.

"I'd better go home," I told Bella, standing up.

"See ya," Charlie farewelled, not looking up from the screen.

Bella followed me out the door.

"Will you stay?" she asked. Her voice was hopeless. I could tell that she didn't expect me to.

"Not tonight," I said before climbing into my car.

The next day, Bella was in some sort of haze. I had to cue her in on a few answers throughout the day. Bella used up the rest of her film roll on pictures of her friends at the lunch table.

She didn't even ask if I was coming over that night when I walked her to her truck. She just climbed in silently. This was getting worse than I thought. I didn't know what was worse. Her expecting things to go wrong, or leading her to believe everything was going to be fine, and crushing her there. Either her pain would be prolonged by starting early, or sudden and sharp. Both were unacceptable, but her safety was the most important thing to me.

The next day continued in the same silence. It was sort of frustrating me. I wasn't going to have much more time in her. I wished that it wasn't as awkward. I wished that we had exchanged a few more words that day.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked.

"Of course not," she replied.

"Now?" I detailed.

"Sure," she said, though it almost sounded like a question. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I reached across her lap to grab the envelope on the passenger seat.

"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there," I challenged, attempting to smile. It wasn't that great of an attempt though. Time was running out.

"Okay," she agreed, and drove of.

I ran the arrands and did, indeed beat her to her house. And I waited. I waited for the end.


	4. Goodbyes

**Authors note: In case you didn't noticed, I actually posted a few chapters before this one. I figured if I was making this New Moon from Edward's perspective, I might as well start from the beginning. If you've already been reading this story, please reread the first three chapters. They're new.**

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For once I didn't have to exercise my patience. I could wait forever to do what I was about to do.

Ever since I had fallen in love with Bella there were three things that I had never wanted to do. One was to condemn her to the same life as mine. The second was to kill her. The last, the one I thought least possible, was to leave her…and I was about to.

"She's not going to take this well, Edward. I can only see so far, because the rest is her choice, and she doesn't know that you're going to do this. But what I can see isn't that good," Alice had warned me before she left. "It doesn't have to be this way," she had said somewhere in there.

And then as I stood there in her driveway I knew that Alice was right. At least partially. There was no other way. That part she had been wrong about. But it did really pain me to do this. Nearly one hundred years of waiting and I finally found her. Of course after the best six months an immortal could ask for, I was going to push her away. I was strong enough now. I had to be. For her.

It finally dawned on me: the one thing that would be worse than me leaving her. If she really did move on. Though I wanted that for her, I didn't want that for myself. All of this would be so much easier (if I survived it) if I was always sure that I had her heart. Like there really was no goodbye. I was sure, however, that she would never forgive me if she ever found out that my feelings had never changed, when I was about to tell her otherwise.

Her truck pulled up net to my Volvo. Oddly enough, I was going to miss that damn truck. Its internal speed limit that always meant more time with Bella, the loud roar that made her jump after riding with me. Everything about it revolved around her.

Bella stepped out of her truck. I took her bag and placed it on her seat.

"Come for a walk with me," I simply requested, offering her my hand. She took it hesitantly, her eyes held a touch of panic. She knew something pivotal was about to happen. My still heart dropped. This would hurt me so much more than it would her.

I led her into the forest. I couldn't look her in the eye. That would have killed me if simply doing this didn't. I stopped in plain view of her house and leaned against a tree, trying to figure out how to start. I had thought about this for days, and yet I still hadn't worked out a beginning. Luckily, or unluckily I should say, she started for me.

"Okay, let's talk," she said.

I took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving," I began.

The rest of the conversation went by in a blur. I shouldn't have regarded it like that. My last minutes with Bella, but it was too painful for concentration. The words flew out of my mouth in response to her painful questions. "I mean my family and myself…you can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you…I'm no good for you, Bella…My world is not for you…Bella, I don't want you to come with me…I've let this go on much too long…You're not good for me, Bella."

The part of the conversation that stood out with distinct clarity was the part that I brought up for my sake, not for hers

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I requested.

"Anything," she swore, clearly desperate to win me back, not knowing that she had never lost my love.

"Don't to anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I wondered. I miserably failed at keeping this phrase emotionless. Last spring I had witnessed how much my existence would be impossible if her life ceased. She nodded, losing all hope. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him," I added, trying to cover for my lack of indifference in the previous line.

"I will," she whispered. I hoped she didn't notice the slight easing up on my tension. At least she promised. Anything that happened to her wouldn't be her own fault.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again," I swore, intensity burning inside me. If I wasn't here, I couldn't hurt her anymore, right? "You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed," I assured her. That was what I wanted for her; to go on with her life, without me. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind," I stated, hoping that last part was true. Everything grew back into bits and pieces…

"I won't forget. But _my _kind…we're very easily distracted…That's everything I suppose. We won't bother you again……………Goodbye, Bella," I finally spat out. I leaned down and kissed her forehead softly for a moment only. I didn't want it to be so brief, but she needed to move on. How could I have even left her hanging with what I did? With that little kiss?

"Take care of yourself."

I didn't stay to see where she went. Alice said she was going to run.

It was a good thing that she tried to follow me though. She wouldn't have been able to see that my car was still in the driveway. Even with my speed, I wouldn't have had time to hid the birthday gifts and the pictures under her floorboards.

I realized, a little too late, however, that I had forgotten about the stereo. So much for no reminders. On the road, a few hot shots noted my speed and tried to race me. When I detected the cops, I let them speed ahead for about a mile, and then picked my pace back up. All the police the rest of the way were too busy writing my little friends tickets for speeding and racing to chase me. It would have amused me if I wasn't so depressed. I made a mental note that this would have been a great strategy to quickly take care of cops last spring when –

NO! I couldn't think about that. I couldn't think about her. Nothing good would ever come of that. Even this instant I felt my hands begin to steer the wheel to turn around and wipe away the tears from her cheeks. The tears that I myself had caused.

At that moment her face flashed into my mind. Not the smiling, enthusiastic, curious Bella that I loved with ever ounce of my being, but the terrified broken, confused Bella that I had left behind me. The Bella that I wanted to permanently remove from my mind. I would rather the beautiful, exuberant Bella had died (peacefully), than for this hideous creature disguised as the reason for my existence to have lived at all, that's how painful it was to look at. To see her in that much pain made me feel even more horrid about myself.

Emmett and Rosalie had gone back to Africa. Rosalie really disgusted me. She was thrilled that Bella would no longer be an inconvenience to her, though she pitied my unhappiness. Alice and Jasper were in Denali. Jasper had been there for a while, and Alice had followed suit soon after our fight. As far as I was concerned, we still weren't talking.

Of course Alice would forsee my depression and notify Carlisle and Emse. Esme called to comfort me and I strung out an uncharacteristic trail of profanities. At that point, Carlisle seized the phone out of Esme's hands.

"Now, Edward, that's not really appropriate," Carlisle began. "You know she was just –"

"I don't care!" I announced. "You try it! You try living without _her_," I challenged, referring to the soul mate that he would never have to leave behind. "Don't even try to tell me that it's different. The ratio is about the same amount. You waited four hundred years and have had her for how many? A little less than a hundred. I've waited at least ninety years if you don't count my human life, and I'd only been with Bella for…six…months," I almost couldn't finish the sentence. Pain welled in my chest and it hurt to breathe, which, once again, was really ironic.

"Edward I don't think this was right. You'll probably end up drawing attention to us. The Volturi know how close our family has been. They might wonder why we're separating and when Jane seeps the truth out of one of us…Bella will probably be no better off…" Carlisle explained.

_Just a few more miles and I'll have her_, I heard. I didn't recognize the voice, but I knew the scent. _James, your revenge shall be taken_.

I never realized how fond Victoria had been of James. This complicated things. I killed her mate. Now she wanted mine. The mental images she made scared me more than the thought of her just killing Bella.

I knew that as I hung up I had left Carlisle and Esme in a heap of confusion. But I didn't care. Bella needed me.


	5. Initial Impact

**Authors note: In case you didn't noticed, I actually posted a few chapters before this one. I figured if I was making this New Moon from Edward's perspective, I might as well start from the beginning. If you've already been reading this story, please reread the first three chapters. They're new.**

* * *

I jumped out of the car and began to run. I hadn't run like this without Bella holding on to me in a while . Over the summer she had grown rather attatched to this mode of transportation. She saw it as recreation by the time school started back up.

Thinking about her at a time like this was better. More fuel for the fire. I ran even harder, faster. For Bella. This was one thing I could still do for her, even when we were separated. Because I only had a reason to exist as long as Bella continued to live.

I saw Victoria's red hair bobbing up and down occasionally, but mostly I was following her scent. When I was about ten miles back towards the outskirts of town, she clearly caught my scent, considering she passed straight through Forks and back out the other end without veering once toward any place that Bella would be.

This was a far less painful way to think of her. Knowing that I was still protecting her. It also felt rather normal, routine: I had to save Bella a lot when we were together anyway. I could actually live with myself knowing that Bella's heart was still beating.

I trailed Victoria down to Vancouver. That's where I lost her.

I pulled my phone out and apologized quickly to Carlisle for my behavior and asked him politely to please pick up my car when he had time. If I won over Victoria, and the odds weren't looking so good, I would be able to get my car back and leave for good, knowing that Bella would be safe.

Vancouver was much like Forks: very wet, especially closer to the coast. I didn't have to hide here.

I wandered into a damp, empty forest. I was useless at this point. I had never tried tracking and if this was the best of my ability, I was lame. I couldn't protect her. I lacked the skills. I remembered telling Bella once that she would be the death of me. More and more I realized that the truth was opposite. I would be the death of her. That sickened me.

Like at the house, it became difficult to breathe again. I tried not to, but for once, that didn't help. Every inch of me hurt. It was like all of the running I had ever done was catching up to me. I felt, for the first time in nearly a century, fatigued. I could barely move and even when I did my muscles throbbed. My mind was fogged with the exception of the hideous image of Bella, panicked and pained. She stood out with insane clarity, which only intensified every unpleasant sensation I was already feeling.

I snapped my eyes shut, as if that would help. My ears were ringing with her disappointed voice. I could hear the pain, the stab that each syllable of my words gave her, repeating, "You're the very best part of my life…You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay…You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already…You don't want me? ...Don't do this…"

How much I wanted to go back and tell her exactly how much her existence meant to me, how much I never wanted to leave, that _she _was the best part of _my _life, and I had lived through much more. I wanted to cradle her in my arms and assure her that I _did_ want her, that she was the only thing in the world that I could ever wish for. How deeply I desired to hold her face between my hands until I saw that blush that always reached her cheeks whenever I touched her, then to pull her face to mine and kiss her with just as much urgency as she had always expressed when kissing me.

I felt a kick in my gut that knocked me to the ground. My eyes jerked open. I looked around, expecting Victoria, coming to tell me that Bella's blood was drained, and her corpse would be unrecognizable due to the torture provided before her pulse and even ceased. My mind explored the possibilies of what she would look like. I looked around and saw no one.

My own misery was beating me, slowly killing me with each blow.

What I needed, more than to comfort her was for _her_ to comfort _me_. _I _was the one who needed to be wrapped in _her_ arms. I needed to breathe in her pleasant freeshia scent and feel the sensational warmth that her irresistible blood gave to her skin. It was more than a desire to kiss her, but instead my lips _needed _to find hers.

My exhaustion and pain left me too weak to move. Whether or not I was protecting Bella from Victoria, I was at least protecting her from myself and my family, whose love for her did not shield her from their instincts, as proven a few days earlier.

My senses perked back up when the wind carried Victoria's scent back to my nostrils. I could feel the fatige washing away instantaneously. All traces of pain flushed nearly out of my system, but not quite. A sense of obligation flooded through me, making me stronger and more alert than ever.

I knew I couldn't trust the mind, but I had to try. She had to be near. I began to run again. As miserable as I was, I made an oath to myself that as long as there was the slightest possibility that Bella could make herself happy, whether it be with someone else, or if she was perfectly fine taking care of Charlie, my life would continue. That was all I needed to live, knowing that Bella could possibly be smiling. Probably not at this particular moment, the shock and pain most likely still strong, but maybe, someday. Hopefully.

That might have been asking too much, though. If her love was anywhere as strong as mine...what I had done to her...I couldn't think about how she would mentally take it. _I _had my distractions, but what about her? I hoped that she would move on, but _how _would she. Bella was so stubborn. There was a possibility that she wouldn't let herself move on. I could just imagine her being so determined that I would come back. And I would disappoint her...again.

Though the pained image of Bella was the only one my mind could conjure up, the thought of Bella's smile (if she did move on) pushed me to run harder. I had left to protect her, and that's what I was going to do.


	6. Portland

**Authors note: In case you didn't noticed, I actually posted a few chapters before this one. I figured if I was making this New Moon from Edward's perspective, I might as well start from the beginning. If you've already been reading this story, please reread the first three chapters. They're new.**

* * *

Victoria's scent didn't lead me too far this time. I barely made it across the river into Oregon.

She was a terrific swimmer, even for a vampire, I hated to say. That's what had caused me to lose her. I trudged soaking wet into Portland.

The population in Vancouver had been bad enough. Portland was slightly worse. As I walked even through the more urban parts of the city, the thirst seemed enough to paralyze me. It didn't help that I couldn't get Bella's scent out of my head. It was as if it was engraved in my mind, driving my thirst to more of a frenzy. My head buzzed with all of the hunting possibilities.

I remembered how easily I could control my thirst around Bella. Once I had become determined to not let her sweet blood tempt me, my will had always been stronger than that red-eyed monster that occasionally popped into my mind. And whenever I was with Bella, there was not a scent in the world that would compare to hers. As long as I could resist her, I could resist anyone. Temptation hadn't been an issue. Well...at least not a big one.

This was a completely different story. Even though Bella's sweet Freesia perfume would not leave my memory, she wasn't here for me to resist. There was a surplus of human blood, way more than there ever was in Forks. Nothing seemed more appealing right now than hunting.

Luckily for me, there was a small island in the middle of the Columbia River. The Glenn Jackson bridge of I-205 passed right over it. It was off-limits to pedestrians and the only road that went through it was the interstate. The island would be free of humans, with the exception of the occasional idiotic boater who wants to break the law. With the way luck had been treating me, it would be tempting fate to go there, but it was better than taking the risk of going deeper into the city.

I knew there wouldn't be anything appetizing there. Nothing that could be willing to walk across the P.D.X. runway and then swim to Government Island would be that satisfying. I mostly only found squirrels that had dared to run on the medians and edges of the bridge and the birds that flew there.

It was about this point in the river - north/south-wise, a little further east, however - that I had lost Victoria's scent. Maybe if I lingered here a while, the wind would carry me an untrustworthy, though a little helpful whiff of her. Or maybe I had just pointed my nose in the wrong direction while swimming, and she had come this way. Perhaps if I wandered around the island, I could catch a trace.

I began to wonder if - had it not been for Victoria - I would have been able to stay away even this long. I probably would have just sat in whatever car I ended up in for hours before determining whether or not I would stay. Most likely I would have let everyone go to Africa or Denali or wherever the hell they wanted to go. I would make sure the house stayed abandoned, unless anyone came by, but I would hide, always watching Bella. I probably would have even asked Alice to come back once Jasper calmed down. Hell, Jasper could even come, too, if he wanted, but I would need Alice. We could put our heads together and prepare for Victoria's return.

The more I thought about it, as I fed on random birds that flew within my reach, it probably would have been safer if I _had _stayed. I had never tested my tracking abilities before. Why risk Bella's life to just _attempt_ now? I had never been so careless in my existence, and this was the one time that it had really mattered. Because now, anything that would happen to her would be my fault, because I let in happen. Even if she got so depressed that she committed suicide, whatever she did to herself wasn't there to stop her. And anything that anyone else would do to her would be marked on me because I had left her, abandoned her, to have tried preventing it herself.

And if I had stayed, I could see her face, even from a distance. My enhanced ears would be able to pick up the small sounds that somehow carried my life from day to day, her voice, her heartbeat, her breathing. I would climb up her window each night and eavesdrop on her sleep-talking like I had since the day that I realized I loved her. I could hear her dream about me...if I hadn't disappeared from her dreams like I had from her life. And even from miles away, I could probably feel that burn that always meant the focal point from my life still existed. The pain from Bella's scent. I would welcome the pain like it was the highest pleasure, because I couldn't be near her: she thought I didn't want her. So her smell would be the closest thing to having her by my side.

"Moping are we?" came the shrill, high-pitched, unwelcome voice that told me that havoc was still wreaking in my world. Suddenly I realized havoc would always wreak as long as I was without Bella.

Victoria stared at me from the ground. I was about twenty feet above in a tree branch, waiting for more birds, or the occasional squirrel.

Damn it. I had been careless again. As she had stated, I was moping. Too busy moping to have noticed that I was right. Too busy to smell her out. I _had_ been careless while swimming and she had come here...only her mind showed that she was searching for what I had tried to avoid this entire time. She had come here to hunt, too. But she had the idiotic boaters in mind.

Something _did _trigger my reflexes though. Why would Victoria be stopping for a pointless little chat? She wouldn't have to have my ability to know that I wanted to kill her. Why would she risk me tearing her to shreds when she paused for even the slightest moment? A thousand predictions spun through my head.

_She's planning to trick you. She's planning to use your depressed state to win a mind game. She didn't expect you here and she needs to trick you in order to escape again. Maybe she's trying to distract you. Maybe this was her plan the entire time: to lure you away from Bella so that someone else could capture Bella so that she could return and torture her herself. You thought it yourself, you probably would have stayed. Maybe she knew that. This is just a diversion. Or...Bella's already dead._

Of course, just like the conclusion I jumped to when I thought it had been Victoria kicking me in the gut, my mind would jump to the possibility that the fight was over. At least the fight for her protection. The fight for her vengeance would not be over until either she was dead. Even if I was killed in this battle, my family would come to avenge both Bella and myself.

"Just tell me she's dead and leave. I don't want to hear any details. I'll end up seeing them in your head anyway," I instructed, preparing for the worst of images to pop into my mind.

"As much as I would like to, I don't want to lie to you, especially when I see you suffer. It makes this all the more fun. When I get to her, not only will I have won vengeance for James, but I will have won against _you_. That'll be more reward than just killing the girl. Because you had been so ignorant to fall for such a hunted thing, James is dead. If you had never fought to protect her in the first place, we would have had her last Spring. Knowing that I had succeeded in the task that had killed James will mean more than just his vengeance. But thanks for that tip about you seeing things. It'll work to my advantage," she rambled.

I saw immediately how she planned to do it. And unfortunately, it worked. As she ran for the water, I slowly became crippled with the images she was sending me. Image after image she showed me multiple ways that she could kill Bella. She had more than just one, and she couldn't decide which was more enjoyable.

Even though I had told her not to interfere, I hoped Alice was seeing each of these as Victoria planned them. If she was still in Denali, then she wouldn't be too far from Bella. I remembered escaping there after that first day in Biology class with Bella. It hadn't taken me long to get there, I hadn't been running to protect something as precious as Bella was. Like Alice had seen in her visions after I had fallen for Bella, they had become the best of friends. Alice came second only to me, maybe third to her father, but her eagerness to leave him behind and join a life with me made me question that. Alice would save Bella...or attempt.

Eventually, another blow reached my gut, knocking me out of the tree. It shouldn't have hurt when I fell, but it did. That damn misery again. I was crippled enough as it was by that, and now I had Victoria's images engraved into my head: Bella, mingled, broken, drained, never to blush that beautiful shade of scarlet ever again. On to a heaven that I could never reach.

For once, there was a voice in my head that didn't belong to a tangible person. It wasn't my conscience, sounding like Carlisle as it generally did, and it wasn't the monster that always told me to drain Bella myself, either. It was the self that I had been moments ago, the self that I had been last Spring. Defensive, wanting me to act ride away to protect the only thing that I would willingly give my life for.

_You damn fool. What good are you doing her by lying there? You're pathetic. You saw yourself killing her millions of different ways when you first met her. What does that show about you? That didn't cripple you. Does that mean that it's okay for you to plan her death but Victoria can't? That only proves that the monster eventually _will _come out._

_That's different. I stopped myself._ I reasoned with the voice. _I left to make sure I didn't. I am not that monster._

_But you're not stopping Victoria now? You must be as selfish as you always tell Bella you are. You'd rather have Victoria kill her so that you don't have to feel guilty about causing her death._

_You don't think I would feel guilty?_

_Now you're thinking! _The voice congratulated. _You see what I'm telling you. You need to go after her. As guilty as you'll feel if she dies because of this, you'll probably feel better if you at least tried._

_Yeah. _I scoffed sarcastically. _Tried and failed. How will that make me feel._

_What about "try and succeed?" You're fast. The fastest. You proved that last Spring. If you trace her path going towards Forks, you'll beat her there, no matter what her head start is. And you thought of Alice yourself. There are others possibly close that you could reach, even if for some unfathomable reason, you can't make it in time. _The voice justified. _And what about the Quiluetes? With your family away, vampires are fair game for them._

_That's over. The line died with Ephraim Black._

_So you're going to leave Bella unprotected?_

The voice said the words I needed to get me going. Bella. Unprotected. My fault. All of this was my fault. If I had never left, I wouldn't have chased Victoria away. My family would have been there, and we would have all fought for Bella together. This was my doing, and I had to set it right.


End file.
